Happy non-denominational sober holiday party from corporate!

Every year people are subjected to office Christmas parties with the same people they spend minimum five days a week, eight hours a day with. As if having to spend more time with them isn’t already awful, some of these parties don’t include alcohol. A party in general without alcohol is bad enough, for any event. Wedding with no alcohol? God-awful. Christening with no booze? What am I supposed to do, talk to a baby without whiskey on my breath? It’s downright rude to invite people to something and not allow them the god given right to get hammered and enjoy themselves. If there’s no alcohol involved, suddenly I’m an asshole for sneaking shots of whiskey from my flask in the corner. The thought of socializing sober with anybody makes me cringe. Throw in people you often find yourself muttering under your breath to go fuck themselves, and it’s a recipe for disaster. Actually even with alcohol involved, I don’t know who thought office Christmas parties were a good idea.

You hear all the time about office Christmas party booze-induced stories of hook-ups, telling bosses off, and just making a fool of themselves. Those usually sound great if you’re not the one being the dumb-ass. In fact, getting to watch others make fools of themselves in usually the best part of these parties. It’s also a great time for you to let our your deepest inhibitions that reside in your lower cockerels. Have a thing for Becky the secretary of some lower level manager you hope every day dies in a car crash on his way to work? Great, get her drunk and find your hand in her pants in the supply closet. Office Christmas parties are like airports where the rules of society don’t apply. People don’t cry that they were drunk and taken advantage of when it happens, it’s just a given that it happened at the party where nobody could speak coherently (except tight-ass, judgmental Stephanie in HR) and everyone was a drunk consenter to whatever debauchery occurred.

Take away the alcohol from these parties though, and it’s just another long ass meeting that could’ve been done over e-mail. Nobody cares what Doug in accountings daughter is playing in the school pageant, or how Bill in marketing’s wife is doing. If they did, they would ask on a normal work day while slowly draining the time away before they could leave at 5, spend an hour in traffic, eat their shitty home cooked meal, go to sleep and do it all again the next day. This is why people get drunk on weekends, to avoid the numbness of everyday life. Forcing them to a Christmas party to sit there for a few hours sober and eat some crappy locally catered meal is hell. If this happens after hours and you’re off the clock? That should be punishable by law against management. That’s cruel and unusual punishment to employees who chances are, already feel they’re being punished stuck in their cubicles.

The worst is that if there is no alcohol involved, it’s probably because management is uptight jerk-offs who are part of the PC culture. This won’t even be a Christmas party. It’s a holiday party where nobody can utter the C-word or mention jolly old saint nick. The most Christmassy thing at these parties will be gender neutral snowmen and paper snow flakes on the wall. Most likely they won’t even be on white paper because that’s somehow offensive and people shouldn’t see snow as a color. It’s gray snow, a color in the middle, which will just remind people of ash from the volcano that rained down on the people of Pompeii, who you’ll feel got off easy since you’ll wanna slit your wrists sitting at this party.

People can’t even sit through Christmas itself with family without a couple dozen trips to the bowl of heavily spiked eggnog and a couple too-many glasses of wine. And that’s with their family. More people they’ve spent too much time (AKA their whole lives) with. If they can’t tolerate family sober, you think they want to sit through an extended office lunch with people they’ve been having pretend one-sided arguments about stuff they wished they said to their face, in the shower, before work? Fuck no, so don’t subject them to it on account of the holidays. Give em a gift card and let them pick up free food on their own time to enjoy alone with a six-pack and no need to small talk to anyone.

The moral here is don’t be an asshole if you’re in charge of Christmas parties for your office. Make sure there’s alcohol. People hate you and each other enough on a daily basis, at least give them an opportunity to let their true feelings out through the form of slurred racist rants, hate filled tirades against the bosses, drunken make outs with the mousy secretaries who don’t normally speak or just awful unadulterated dancing to whatever music is playing, maybe with some stripping involved from Ted in IT.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.