“Hey Boss, Welcome back from vacation!”

Said no employee ever!

I just returned from a nice 4 day Vegas vacation with my wife and family. Shacked up in a 5 Star hotel. Relaxed, gambled, got drunk (No sex though. Not even a morning sack grab). You can bet your ass I didn’t check my email. Not once. I figured coming back to work was going to be a big ol’bitch. 

So here I am Tuesday morning, walking through the gates of hell. 

Employee 1– “Hey looking light in the pockets, heavy in the gut”.

I took the high road on this one. Choose to ignore this persons bullshit comment. “Haaaaa. Good one”. 

Employee 2- “Got a sec?” 

Mind you, I have yet to reach my office. My coat is still on. Winter hat and gloves both still on. Laptop is in the back pack. Coffee is in hand.

“Yea whats up?” 
“I overslept and clocked in an hour late”
“Ok. Dont do that again”
“Am I going to be written up?”
“Probably. Let me put my stuff down and I’ll get back to you”

Employee 3– “Giants suck man. Saquon didn’t do shit for me this week” 

“I know man. Tough loss”

Insult my Giants. I am a good sport. I can handle it. I’ll give it right back. But god damn it, once again I don’t fucking care about your fantasy team. Especially not at 8 o’clock in the morning.

Opening my office door.

Employee 4– “Hey, I just want to give you a quick update on my health”


Now if you approach me and say I am going to give you a quick update (specifically on your health), how long do you think this conversation should last? 5 minutes. Max 10? Try 45 minutes. 45 minutes it took for him to give me a quick health update. 

Word of advice, if speaking with an individual over the age of 50, do not engage in a conversation about health insurance. Obama and all the scum on welfare are the cause for their high deductible. And Doctors don’t know shit.

Laptop now out, starting to check email…knock on office door.

Employee 5– “Just wanted to let you know, I am bringing in lasagna tomorrow for lunch”

…….Ok there are some exceptions. I love employee 5.

Employee 2 (again)- No knock on the door. Barges right in.

“Can I talk to you for a sec? I don’t want to be a rat but Kevin has been in the bathroom for over 20 minutes”

“Is he sick?”

“I don’t know but its bullshit I am doing twice as much work as he is”

“OK. Lets go over your attendance issues”

Employee 6– “Hey we need to turn the heat down in the warehouse. We are all sweating out here”

wedding crashers comedy GIF

Please, what else can I do to make your life more comfortable. God forbid you break a fucking sweat at work.

So if you hate your boss, I just gave everyone the recipe to making your their lives miserable. Have at it.

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