Let’s Make Christmas Great again

Christmas needs to be more like Thanksgiving. Not in the sense that it should be the same food for everyone in the country on that day. Do what you like, eat your ham, roast beef, turkey? lasagna, whatever it is your family likes on Christmas. *Except Christmas Eve, this should be the Italian tradition of the feast of the seven fishes, no matter race/ethnicity*

No, Christmas should be held on a Sunday every year, no matter what, allowing Christmas eve festivities to be done on a Saturday, and allowing a 3 day weekend for everyone with Monday off. Instead, because people hold it to the belief that December 25th was the day Jesus was born, and like everyone else’s birthday- it therefore falls on a different day of the week each year. This makes it impossible for us gentiles to enjoy our holiday season like 5 years in a row. (note: we’re not good at math, even though one of us was a math major)

This year it falls on a Tuesday. You’re own birthday ever fall on a Tuesday? If you’re over 6 then yes, 100% it has, and chances are, you celebrate that shit the weekend before or after (or both if you’re under 35 and still have a reason to live), not on the actual day. Maybe a nice dinner with your significant other, possible birthday blow-j and some sex, but that’s it. And that’s for someone currently alive and with proof of their actual birthday being that day. Not for someone who lived 2000 years ago, has no birth certificate (talkin about Jesus, not Obama- though they’re one and the same to millions of people) and who’s mother was supposedly a virgin, for the first and only time in the history of humanity.

You ask any Christian scholar and they’ll say that we don’t know the actual day of his birth, just that it was around the time of December. Actually I don’t know if they’ll even say that. It’ll be one of those nondescript nonfactual runaround answers about how we don’t know for sure when and where he was born. I think, full disclosure: I didn’t consult any Christian scholars for this article, or in my life in general for any reason, since I was 16. They look down upon most of my life choices and I don’t need that negativity in my life.

That though should be enough to make Christmas a rock solid, set in stone, every last Sunday of the year type event. Or second to last Sunday, so it never coincides with New Years. Whatever Trump and the other bureaucrats decide is fine with me. Just make it a 3 day government holiday weekend though and let us enjoy it.

The notion it’s celebrating the birth of Jesus barely holds true anymore anyway. Yes, people still go to Church and sure, most grandmothers still hold religious beliefs true and make you feel like shit if you don’t completely agree and lie to them and tell them you go to church every Sunday. But they’re all slowly phasing themselves out, they’re literally a dying breed. The rest of us, we still know it’s about Jesus, so we can do the Church thing and make our family happy. It’s also about ugly sweater parties, watching National Lampoons Christmas Vacation on repeat, buying expensive shit for your loved ones to put a price tag on your love for them, getting drunk, eating loads of cookies, lying to kids under ten about a fat man who magically drops gifts off to EVERY child in the world, and for us New Yorkers, being dragged through the mobs of tourists in Rockefeller Center to see a slightly larger than normal Christmas tree. These are all things that could be very easily planned ahead of time on a yearly basis if we knew that the holiday itself was going to be around a 3 day weekend. Plus if it’s on a Sunday, that doubles as the Lords day anyway, and what better day to celebrate his birthday?

Instead here a lot of us are, on a Friday where we’re about as productive as the Monday after the Super Bowl, waiting for time to expire and go get Candy Cane drunk for the next two days. Then for a lot, it’s back to work hungover Monday, maybe for half a day, and then one day off Tuesday, half of which will be travel. Only to find ourselves at work, being unproductive AGAIN Wednesday. That’s 3 work days of either being hungover or unproductive or most likely both. Give us that three day weekend, make the Friday a half day, and you’ve got yourself a full four day work week after Christmas of production, only losing one and a half days to Christmas Fever. (Dibs on that being the name of an upcoming Christmas themed slasher movie I’m gonna get drunk and write)

Now I understand that some people get angry that we even get our holiday off every year, and the Jewish don’t unless Hanukkah happens to have one of it’s 8 crazy nights fall on Christmas, but you know what? Tough. Don’t have 8 days of celebrating. OK it has something to do with one day of oil lasting 8 days somehow in spite of the Greeks or some nonsense like that, I don’t know. I forget what happened in that episode of the Rugrats that explained it but I know that’s the gist of it. Great, lovely reason to party, but how about you have it condensed to one day, OR if we have the three day weekend for Christmas every year, have it ALSO be set in stone to coincide on those days. That’d be at least 3 out of 8 days off for the holiday! Plus that would let it start on the Sunday before, giving you HALF the holiday off from work.

Most of the Jewish people I work with took off the week of Christmas anyway, I’m not sure why. To gather around and hate us Christians together? Probs. We could also just call it Holiday weekend for the PC snowflakes out there who hate that Christmas has the word Christ in it and gets redder in the face than the Starbucks cups they want to boycott for being a festive color. It’s a win all around.

I see no fault in this idea, except that it would make too much sense. That seems to be the downfall of all great ideas though in today’s world. I’m just another person spewing sense to the world who won’t listen and will enjoy maybe ten minutes of their holiday this year. Happy Birthday Jesus, sorry your party’s so lame indeed. We’ll celebrate it hard in like 5 years when it falls on a weekend, for your 2023rd birthday.

One thought on “Let’s Make Christmas Great again

  1. Some years back at a churchy conference, the reverend me raised the idea that Christmas should be celebrated on the Sunday nearest the traditional Dec 25 date … The reception of that comment / idea made a lead balloon look all light and floaty.
    A good post, my friend – keep talking sense, and have a happy, healthy, safe Christmas, wherever and however (and whenever) you have it! 🙂


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