Top 5 non-Christmas Christmas movies

No we’re not being very original with this idea, as it’s a list many other people have done. Some good, some stupid, some just making no sense. How often do you read non-christmas Christmas movie lists and see things like Bad Santa or any number of B-movie horror films with the word Christmas in the title? That defeats the purpose here, as this list if for movies that can be looked at as either seasonal or just a great movie. Obviously anything that has a main character of Santa, be it minor or the main serial killer, is a Christmas themed movie. This is the top 5 that aren’t about Christmas, but you sure as hell would love to watch them on a lonely Christmas Eve night. And trust me, I have spent many an alone holiday with just my dog, he agrees that these are all amazing Christmasy movies, and also that I should not have another beer.

Honorable Mention-Gremlins

Full transparency here, I haven’t seen the movie in a long time, and don’t remember much. But that picture is cute and Christmasy so honorable mention it is.

5. Edward Scissorhands

OK much like most Tim Burton movies, this can be categorized in a number of different genres. Mostly- goth/emo/creep, which don’t get me wrong, works well for Tim Burton movies. In fact, his movies land twice on this, which kinda makes you wonder how much Christmas and emo goth really have in common. Edward Scissorhands takes place during the holiday season, and the culmination of the movie happens on Christmas day. There’s the Christmas lights imagery throughout the neighborhood as well as the Christmas tree and the snow made by Edward to keep this movie in the list to watch during any holiday season. In fact, when that snow starts falling from his cutting the ice sculptures, tears start flowing for this guy. And anyone with a heart and sense of compassion.

4. Rocky 4

Anyone who doesn’t think this is a Christmas movie has either never seen it or never enjoyed an actual Christmas (AKA is jewish) to know how special the day can be. This can be argued as the greatest Rocky movie ever made, with the hands down best soundtrack and second best (you can’t top the first no matter what) training montage. It took place in the 80s and had a larger than life bad guy in Ivan Drago, who basically kills the American dream in Apollo Creed. A black man who came from nothing and now is on top of the world, even wearing our flag when he goes down. Thats symbolism at it’s Cold War finest. Of course the Italian Stallion wants revenge. Even willing to go as far to Russia where Drago is from, to take him and every red flag waving commie scum down. As if that’s not bad enough, what day is this fight on, you may ask. CHRISTMAS DAY. That Christmas America got the greatest present it could ask for; Rocky single-handedly defeating Russia thus ending the Cold War. Something Reagan could never do on his own. On the birth day of our lord no less. Who even knows what religion those Russian apes follow. Surely it wasn’t the same baby Jesus we were celebrating. They’re often too drunk on breakfast vodka to actually appreciate the birthday of our lord. And here was the newest Santa Claus, trading his fat for the most toned physique ever put on screen, his hat for boxing gloves filled with iron fists of freedom, and his white beard became black like his cold heart was towards Russia and he made you believe that Rambo came from Vietnam to finish the job this time, in Russia to those gibberish speaking red card carrying monsters. Happy Birthday Jesus, Rocky just ended a war for you and saved America from nuclear destruction.

3. Lethal Weapon

The opening of this movie cements its place as top 5 non-Christmas Christmas action thriller. Jingle Bell Rock is heard as we see a woman about to jump to her death, naked on a balcony, eliciting a jingle in my balls a child my age at the time (and to this day) thoroughly enjoyed. The rest of the movie does a wonderful job portraying the holiday season, with Riggs even shooting a few bad guys at a Christmas tree lot, using the fine pine decor to heighten the intensity. Houses and lights decorated for the season give plenty of nice backdrops to many scenes, and this is a must watch every year for me on Christmas

2. Batman Returns

This is just a must watch for me almost monthly. It’s a damn good movie and its got Tim Burton his place on this list. The beginning of the movie has a baby penguin born on Christmas to horrified parents who do what any parent should do who just had what might be the next Damien and throw him into the river. Flash forward and the first action scene has to do with the city lighting it’s Christmas tree, only to be ruined by the same penguin baby from earlier and his gang of skull mask wearing circus freaks. The rest of the movie plays out around Christmas, with the line “Mistletoe can be deadly if you eat it, but a kiss can be deadlier if you mean it.” being said by Batman and Catwoman in sexy whispers of lust. Woof. Color my pants tight. Aside from Michelle Pfeiffer being the hottest catwoman ever, Michael Keaton is a sex symbol in his own right as Batman in a suit that DOESN’T have nipples on it. The tree lighting ceremony is too take place again, chaos obviously ensues, and the end we have Alfred wishing Bruce a Merry Christmas and Bruce reciprocating with the added good will towards man…and woman. CATwoman! Christmas! Batman! Skin tight leather outfits! Christmas trees! It really doesn’t get much better.

1. Die Hard

I don’t care what argument you want to make about it not being a Christmas movie. I don’t care if Bruce Willis stated it’s not one. Actors are barely humans with almost no actual emotion in real life, so they can’t grasp the reality of half the work they’ve done. Unless their opinion agrees with mine, cause then I’ll use them to support my theories without question.

Die Hard has all the necessary elements to make it number one on the non-Christmas Christmas list. It takes place at an office building during the Company Christmas party. It has more than one Christmas song in it’s soundtrack. After John McClane kills a german douche he leaves a message about having a machine gun now in blood on his shirt. Oh, and leaves a FUCKIN SANTA HAT ON HIS CORPSE. oh, and also ends the message with HO-HO-HO. Boom, christmas movie right there that should be enjoyed every year. Of course, it also has a million great lines, and if you don’t want to admit it’s a Christmas movie so you don’t feel weird watching it in June, we support that. Watch it as much as you want.

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