Reality TV needs to be taken with a grain of salt. Obviously a lot of it is planned/scripted, so you can’t take everything you see as fact. Of course, a lot of it is also probably the reality of these people acting like themselves, which for the most part is entitled assholes who are getting paid to live their lives on camera. It’s a pretty sweet gig I think if you get lucky enough to get it, and some of these guys are actually pretty cool. We get most guys wouldn’t be caught dead watching this trash, or at least admitting it, but I’ve gotten sucked into the rabbit hole that is Bravo and have found myself wanting to take a trip to LA and get brunch at SUR. We love to drink and love to get to know new people (OK 50% of that statement is accurate), so we think these are the guys we’d love to maybe share a beer with if we ever take a trip to LA, Jersey or down south.
Honorable Mention: Ken Todd (Real housewives of Beverly Hills/Vanderpump Rules)
Ken is married to Lisa Vanderpump, who is, as far as I know, the queen of Bravo reality shows. Ken doesn’t take the front seat in the shows, and usually just shows up during big events, always clutching a small dog in his hands. Anybody who brings a dog out to the bar is OK with me. He also has some shadowy aura about him, where he doesn’t talk much, but when he does you listen. There’s something about him where you just want him to give you even a minuscule amount of his respect or gratification. You don’t see him getting hammered like the rest of the people on this list, which makes me want to go out and get him plastered even more. He’s one of those proper British guys, who probably looks down on us Americans, as he profits off our need to overpay for shit drinks and get piss drunk on a Thursday night, just because ‘Merica. I feel like if he gets wasted the shirts gonna come off and we’d see the real Ken. He also owns a ton of bars and restaurants and is loaded, so we’d expect the night to be on him, with absolutely no shame.
Dishonorable mention: James Kennedy (Vanderpump Rules)
This piece of shit sits firmly atop my current list of “people I want to punch in the face”. He’s a twerpy little prick bag who really needs to get his ass kicked. For those who don’t watch, he’s a goofy eared DJ with a British accent who wears a size 3 in womens clothes. If you’re a professional play button pusher, we already think you’re a tool, but his behavior doesn’t help. He has some issue where he needs to make himself feel better, probably because, as he’s admitted, he was picked on his whole life for being a nerd in England. Let that sink it, in England, where they’re proper crumpet eating Queen worshipping soccer watching jag offs with bad teeth, HE was a nerd. For some reason women in America find that British accent charming, so that has helped him get laid of course. He has the body of Christian Bale in The Machinist, but for some reason this hasn’t mattered.
His mom also got him his job as a busser at Lisa Vanderpumps restaurant, SUR, which turned into his shitty DJ job there. He needs constant gratification and attention from anyone around him, flaunting whatever girl he was able to trick into thinking he wasn’t a shameless asshole in peoples faces. He also has some weird obsession with pasta, which apparently was code word for cocaine, and has no issue screaming at women about it. He thinks hes better than everyone and needs a reality check, which is why we’d love to have a drink with the goober. When he gets drunk, his language is reckless, antagonizing anyone, instigating verbal matches where he just screams gibberish in his stupid smarmy accent. We’d love to get him drunk and let him do this, as once we’re all drunk, we’d have no problem giving him a good ol’ American boot in the ass and fist to the face.
5. Jay Cutler (Very Cavallari)
I’m a Packers fan, so I of course miss the days of Cutler as the Bears quarterback throwing completions to our guys. He always had a laid back attitude on the field, which inspired the Cutler cigarette memes, and it has conveyed well to the reality show. He’s pretty much the George W. Bush of football, where we hated the guy while he was playing, but turns out he’s actually probably a real cool dude and we’d probably become best friends in real life. The show is about his wife and her business or something like that, I don’t know for sure, I don’t pay much attention to it. He’s the real star though, firing up his wife to run her store with his Friday Night Lights-like speeches, while occasionally hunting and kinda just wallowing around in the background until he chimes in with a grunt. We’d love to have a beer with him, talk about what really happened in the NFC championship that year, why he even bothered with the Dolphins, and if he even actually smokes cigarettes.
4. The Situation, Fat Version (Jersey Shore)
Huge douchebag back in the day, which even I would think he’d admit to. In fact him making this list is pretty impressive, as like seven-eight years ago he was on my list of “people I’d love to punch in the face” with Ashton Kutcher, Shia Labeouf, and Golden Tate (I’ll never let the Fail Mary go). He’s since been removed, as he lost his six pack abs, gained a body similar to mine, and supposedly cleaned up his act and became sober; replacing alcohol and pills with carbs and more carbs. So this only applies to the current fat version of the Situation. I didn’t watch Jersey Shore when it came on, mostly because I didn’t care for the reality TV boom nonsense, and also any time I even gave it a chance I became blind with rage at the assholes on the show. The Situation was the absolute worst, when I eventually caught up on reruns I saw just how bad. Big dumb narcissistic dickbag, showing his abs any chance he got, bragging about himself, and referring to himself in the third person. He was full of himself, so this current humble humility kick he has been on is welcoming. Of course, this change came from being caught not paying taxes and being arrested, so had that not happened he’d probably still be a giant jackoff. Normally I’m not one for celebrities who turn their lives around once they’ve been caught doing something awful and need to pretend to have changed for some good P.R., but watching the show and knowing he’s about to go to prison for a while, he seems like he actually has become a better person. Plus like I said, he’s going to prison, so he’d bring some street cred to my group of friends on a night out. Unfortunately, yes, he’s sober now. He’d still be welcome to come hang out and chug some Red Bulls all night while we get shit faced. He’d of course need to know he’s now the automatic designated driver. That’s never a bad thing to have, in fact it’s something we fail to find half the time we go out anyway. Might as well have one on the roster for a Friday night when a few beers after work has turned into a case-race and alley drinking at 4am telling the hobo who’s cardboard house we’re pissing on how much we love him.
3. Craig Conover (Southern Charm)
Craig you handsome devil. It’s never a bad thing to have a handsome looking son of a bitch in your group of friends for a night out. Obviously the women will flock to him, so yeah come on out for a few beers Craig. It should be known though, this guy was a lawyer who gave up his career to pursue sowing. You did not misread that. He is an emotional soul content in his world of playing with cats and sowing pillow cases, instead of making bank as a devilishly handsome lawyer. Having a good looking friend who you can’t even argue that you’re on their level would usually be a huge kick to the ego, but when that guy has something so easy to mock, it’s a win-win. Oh you went home with 3 girls last night Craig? Cool, did they compliment your cat pillow you sowed by hand the next morning? No? They laughed? Ah well, sucks to suck Craig. The guy could have brought home 2 different supermodels a night for a year straight, yet you’d never let him live his lifestyle choice to be a 85 year old woman as a career down. He’d be kept in check, which is probably why he’d be stuck hanging out with us to begin with. Also he has that southern thing goin for him, and we’d probably be able to pound a few back at some honky tonk with him while some Toby Keith plays on repeat. That sounds like a helluva night to me.
2. Jax Taylor (Vanderpump Rules)
This is the show that my girlfriend got me hooked on to even start watching any reality show. This guy is the definition of Peter Pan syndrome, AKA he can’t grow up. I’m not sure how old he is now, but I think its late thirties, and he still goes out and drinks like a frat boy. Don’t get me wrong, I hate frat boys, but I respect his ability to party. He’d also be a good source to make us not feel so bad about being in our early thirties and continuing to drink and engage in debauchery on like a Tuesday night. No matter what, Jax is older than us, so we wouldn’t be the old man of the group pounding shots at the bar and screaming at the DJ to play some Sister Christian. He does lie and gossip like a high school girl, which would suck if it were about us, but if he gives us the dirty on others, that’s fine. We’d call him on his bullshit though, which from watching the show I feel like needs to happen a little bit more often. He apparently got a porn star pregnant in Vegas once, which is kinda a cool story to have under your holster. He’d also bring street cred like the Situation, as he’s been arrested like 5 times. Once for stealing sunglasses in Hawaii, which he then gave to his girlfriend, who proceeded to take tons of pictures in them and post them on Instagram thinking they were purchased through legal means. He just sat back silently, letting her think he dropped $300 on them. Power move. He went through some weird Reiki (?) shit last season, but I think he’s moved on from that. Probably for the best. He tends to move on quickly from things, so that short attention span is right in line with ours. He also loves hockey, so as long as he can get on board with watching the Penguins with us, come on out and have some wings and beer.
1. Tom Schwartz (Vanderpump Rules)
When I first started watching the show, I hated this guy based on looks alone. He easily was put on that “want to punch in the face” list just from first instincts. He’s a male model with some crazy looking hair and an odd fashion sense, or probably a great fashion sense in the male modeling world, I don’t know. This is why you don’t judge a book by it’s cover. The guy loves to drink and party. He’s also pretty funny. He’s got some good jokes and also has a lack of motivation to do much with his life. He’s somewhat fixed that by opening a bar with the other Tom on the show, which is also a plus. He owns his own bar! He showed some promise by asking Lisa Vanderpump if he could be an ambassador for her Sangria, which I’m pretty sure just means tweeting about the stuff and drinking it in public. He quit that before it even started because he didn’t think he’d be able to fully commit to it. That’s how lazy he is, literally just needed to shoot out some tweets and drink free sangria. He didn’t have the time, and that amount of motivation fits right in with us. He once got so drunk on vacation he broke off from his group of friends and went home to the resort by himself, except it was the wrong resort. Not just a hotel…. an actual resort. His friends didn’t even know about it until the next day. His proposal to his now wife Katie was also top-notch, using some trickery that even had me wondering what the fuck was going on. He tried his hand at bar tending once and had a panic attack and left mid-shift. The guy just doesn’t give a fuck, has a great sense of humor, pretty witty and loves to drink. He’d easily be welcomed with open arms into this group to have a beer or girly drink or whatever he’d want. We won’t judge.