Billionaires are just like us: They enjoy cheap handys

Robert Kraft has been caught getting a knob job at a tiny Asian massage parlor. This is pretty stunning news and I’m sure it’ll be followed up with an apology and the usual “I didn’t know it was THAT kind of place”. Not for nothing but there has to be better ways for billionaires to get their blow jibbers and handy-dandies. I’m worth about 437 bucks, so I don’t have much perspective for how the 1% live, but I would assume that when they need to release their liquid demons they have a plethora of options. Mostly masked orgies straight out of Eyes Wide Shut. If you don’t think Robert Kraft hasn’t attended at least one of those parties where they sacrificed a virgin in a room full of sweaty old men, wearing suits and masks, while people have sex all around them and they can tag in whenever they want, then you clearly don’t know much about billionaire sex.

They also have killer buffets at rich orgies

For someone worth Robert Krafts 6.6 billion, you’re not going down to the local strip mall and hitting up a discount massage parlor that’s nestled in between an Applebees and a 5 Below. It’s just not how its done. You order yourself a personal masseuse to come to your room and then you order up the Asian special off the menu. This is a bad look for the guy. Did he not think he’d get caught? The people in there before him were probably unhappy family-men hoping their wives wouldn’t notice the 60 bucks missing from their joint bank accounts that was being spent on Sun-Li to give the “don’t look me in the eyes while I do this” happy ending. Then they drove home in their minivans with the impending feeling of guilt weighing heavy on them when they see the empty car seat in their rear-view mirror.

Pulling up in a Rolls Royce with 6 Super bowl rings on and a suit worth more than the building you’re about to get a rub and tug from doesn’t exactly fly under the radar or mesh well with the normal clientele. The excuse that you didn’t know it was a rub and tug (which is a lie, you ALWAYS know it’s a rub and tug, or at least suspect/hope for it) won’t fly either. Use that 6.6 billion on a massage in a massive parlor where the beds are made of gold and the workers are actual documented Asians. Not ones who were shuttled in on a boat against their will forced to live the American dream of jerking pervy old men off before getting to sleep in a closet with 8 other women crammed together.

I don’t know if dirty massage parlor handies is part of the TB12 method or something, but Kraft should know to get his sandy old balls shot dry through a million other ventures. Not the Asian sex slave worker who just finished cleaning a batch of the last clients liquid goop. Awful move for the rich, and now he’s gonna be labeled a creepy pervert for doing something all normal American men do. This is why you shouldn’t try to mingle with us peasants.

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