I’ll take a wiener sandwich, please.

a: two or more slices of bread or a split roll having a filling in between
b: one slice of bread covered with food (open faced)

I’m not one for proper English, I barely know how to put a full sentence together. The shit we learned in school, adverbs, pronouns, conjunctions, and all the rest, I have a pretty loose grasp of. So far be it from me to ever argue with the definition of a word, as according to Merriam-Webster dictionary. They usually have their shit together and know what they’re talking about. They put out word of the day calendars with absurd words you’ve never heard of, and I honestly am not sure I even know 365 different words. So they’re pretty smart.

This word though, sandwich, I have an issue with. They may know a lot about words, but I know a lot about sandwiches. There’s a reason people call me the Sandwich King.* If you were to go by their definition, a hot dog would be considered a sandwich. This is something that has taken the place of hot debated food conversation, surpassing “is a tomato a fruit or vegetable.” A hot dog is put between a split roll, therefore Merriam-Webster would, by definition, call it a sandwich. I, on the other hand, someone who enjoys a warm wiener on a hot summer day, know the opposite to be true. A hot dog is NOT a sandwich.

Allow me to explain further, before sending my official petition to the fine folks at MW. A sandwich can be a lot of things, in fact, its a blanket term for a hand held treat in between two slices of bread. What you put in the middle is up to you, and there’s an infinite amount of possibilities. Roast beef, turkey, tuna, ham, cheese, you name it. Pile up the toppings and create a feast of deli meats and cheeses fit for a king. Nobody can tell you what you can’t put on a sandwich, its like the burger combinations at Five Guys. Endless.

Now you’re thinking, OK, I put a hot dog in between two slices of bread, if not a split roll, therefore it’s a sandwich. Well ease back, loser. You’re wrong about your frankfurter. In order for something to be a sandwich, it must posses a few certain qualities. For one, it needs to be something that can be turned into a 6 foot sub. Can you take roast beef, american, mayo and lettuce and throw it on 6 feet of bread to feed the masses at a catered event, or eat alone during a severe depressive episode? Yup, you can. Now, picture a 6 foot hot dog sub. Are you picturing 6 feet worth of normal sized hot dogs, nestled in between a long Italian roll? No, you’re thinking of one giant 6 foot long wiener that would make Jenna Jameson blush. I’ve seen her do a lot of things, blushing is not one of them. Neither is the reality of a 6 foot hot dog sub.

Not Jenna Jameson, however it is a pose she is well known for

Next, a sandwich must be something that can be taken with you, to be eaten later. Will that hot chicken cutlet taste AS good a few hours after it was made? No, of course not, but it will hold up after traveling, to be eaten at a time to be named later. Will you enjoy pulling cold hot dogs out of a picnic basket hours after they were cooked? I think that answer is obvious. Nobody wants a cold ween. They’re made to be eaten ASAP as possible.

The final quality of an undeniable sandwich, the deciding factor, is can it be called a sandwich without bread? Lets stick with ham and cheese, to keep it simple. If you have that, minus the bread, on a plate, it’s simply a plate of cold cuts. Same with chicken cutlet, it’s just a chicken cutlet. It even stretches to open faced sandwiches. An open faced turkey sandwich with no bread is literally just a hot turkey lunch. Now how about a hot dog, sans the bun? It’s still a hot dog. The meat (and whatever else is in there) itself is what makes the fine delectable treat what it is, which is a hot dog. You’re not calling it a bunless wiener, or a beef frank on a plate. A hot dog is a hot dog, bread or not. Let’s be clear, it’s fuckin weird if you’re eating it without the bread, and if you’re eating it, no bread, and without cutting it up, it’s also oddly sexual/even fucking weirder. And if you do it in one bite, well now you’ve crossed a threshold there’s no coming back from. You have issues as a person, but that unchewed foot-long in your belly, still a hot dog.

So there’s the definitive answer, from someone who’s eaten more wieners than the Kardashians combined in his life.

Merriam-Webster needs to fix the definition of sandwich to include the following:
Sandwich: Must meet at least one of the following 3 qualities-
1. Can be made into a 6 foot sub
2. Can be eaten hot or cold
3. Becomes known as some other dish, if bread is taken away

They also must add hot dog as a recognized word with the following definition.
Hot Dog

*nobody has ever called me this

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