R. Kelly Must Die

In order to save his fleeting career. It’s the only PR move he can make right now that will have positive effects. When someone dies, for some reason we momentarily forget the shit they did when they were alive. Case in point, Michael Jackson. We knew he was a kiddy diddling whackjob for the better part of this century, yet once he died, nobody talked about him dangling babies over balconies or having pillow fights and hot chocolate (euphemism for butt stuff) with 9 year old boys. It was all about his artistry, brilliance, amazing career and the mark he left on the world. Not the jizz stains he left on a child named Mark.

R. Kelly just tried to right his laundry list of wrongs with an interview on TV that was pretty much his last gasp attempt to control the public like he does his teenage girls. He had the boring gray suit, not too sharp looking because he doesn’t want to flaunt his wealth and fame in our face, and he even pinched himself hard enough through his pants pocket to scrounge up some tears. Luckily the world is smart enough to see through it and he couldn’t dupe the entire country like he did the parents he paid off in his sex-slave trade.

It’s time for him to bite the bullet, although he can’t make it look like a suicide. That’s the cowards way out now. He needs to die in some fashion where the people might feel some remorse towards him. A fatal disease that he’s been living with and not telling anybody about would do the trick. Sure, it’d really be a fatal dose of some sort of poison, but the right amount of money thrown at a coroner will 100% net a “complications of cancer” cause of death.

Once news of his death hits, it might be enough to get his songs played at weddings again. Space Jam 2, if it ever gets made, might even use some I Believe I Can Fly at the critical moment where Bugs tells Lebron he’s not as good as Jordan.

Of course, years later, we’ll all remember the shit he did, pretend we didn’t know all along, and then wipe his memory from existence, like we’re currently doing with Michael Jackson. By that time though, dead R. Kelly will have reaped all the benefits and exhausted all monetary gains anyway, so his “estate”, AKA the 3 women we never found literally trapped in a closet, will no longer need the money anyway.

It’s really the only move he has left to save face. And he’d better do it before Jussie Smollett fakes his death for the same reason.

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