We spent time going over the 5 guys from reality TV shows we’d like to have a beer with. Sure, they’re on the lowest form of entertainment, and it’s easy to find fault with their life choices that have led to their involvement in reality TV. At the end of the day though, they’re makin more money than most of us, just to live their lives and make fools of themselves in front of a national audience. I drink more than them and make a fool of myself on an almost daily basis, and I have almost no money in the bank to show for it. So who’s the real fool here?
Now sure, a few stuck out who you wouldn’t mind meeting and they might be cool to hang out at the bar with, but when it comes to reality TV, it’s a lot easier to find ones you’d like to meet at a bar just in hopes they’ll give you a reason to rock them in the jaw. Some people out there just need a reality check in the form of a fist to the face, especially when they’re giant douche bags making a living on TV with absolutely no talent or skill, and egos as large as their bank accounts. We’ve narrowed down the list to the top 5, with a few extra bonuses.
Dishonorable mention: Chad Johnson (The Bachelorette, Famously Single, Big Brother)
This list is for those half scripted reality shows, not the “competitive” ones. If you look at all the seasons of the 8 million Bachelor spin-offs, Survivor, whatever stupid show on MTV where they compete for who’s the biggest tool, etc. it’d be a never ending list. This guy only gets a dishonorable mention because of that. However, he’s got one of those faces that you immediately want to punch, plus he has a penchant for not keeping his shirt on (usually a sure fire sign of a douche) and from what little I’ve seen, he’s just a giant, cocky, assfuck. How much of that he’s playing up for TV, I don’t know, but even if 25% of what we see is the real him, that’s too much assholery to take. Is he muscular? Sure, hence why he never likes to have his shirt on. So punching him probably wouldn’t be smart, but also how much of that is just glam muscles?
Not on the list because I don’t want the Secret Service Called on me: Donald Trump (The Apprentice)
This has nothing to do with politics, and it’s also another competitive reality show, so he wouldn’t be on the actual list. If you take away his current job, he’s just an entitled prick who was handed millions of dollars from his dad, has a massive ego, and needs a reality check. Somehow, even though he has the body of a human Jabba the Hut, he tries to convince people he has the same body as most athletes, and the talent to back it up. In reality, if he played golf or anything else with non-yes-men, he’d probably be in for a rude awakening. We need someone to knock him out, on video, so we have video proof of it happening. You know he’ll spin it and say it never happened, or that he has fought bears bigger than most men, but if we could just record someone like half the size of him kicking his ass, I think we’d all enjoy watching it. Also, while he lays on the ground counting stars, it’d give Melania a moment to escape, and we all know she’s being R. Kelly’d by Trump. Lets free her, maybe she’ll start posing naked again, who knows.
5. Jonathan Cheban (Keeping up with the Kardashians)
It’s tough to be on a Kardashian show and have less talent than any of the actual Kardashians, but this goop-faced fucker has done it, and turned his 15 seconds on camera into his own little empire. We’ve established taking your shirt off every chance you get is an automatic ticket to doucheville, but this guy actually is there for another characteristic of human female genitalia products. Giving yourself a nickname. Not just any nickname, this pencil necked whackjob calls himself “Foodgod” and is one of those basic white bitches posting photos of food on instagram, but he does it in a million times more annoying fashion. Finding giant portions of food he takes a small bite and then proceeds to trick the public into thinking he’s a giant foodie who would make Joey Chestnuts blush in a hot dog eating competition. He might be a large assmonger, but he’s also smart enough to know how much America loves fatty food, and is a modern day carny tricking people into buying his food loving shtick.
4. Pauly Paul (Siesta Keys)
This is barely a reality show. It’s about 75% scripted, and the 25% that isn’t scripted is only done that way because the people on the show have trouble sounding out the words and lines they’re supposed to say. The total IQ of those on this show probably hits the high double digits. The biggest tool is this bird faced fucker Pauly Paul. Honestly, I could probably stop at just saying his name and people would understand why he needs to get a swift fist to the face, but I’ll go on. First off, after 10 seconds of listening to him speak/watching him attempt to fit in with the rich kids, it’s obvious he’s over compensating for the fact he was 100% a giant loser throughout his 8 years (probably) in high school. He was also arrested for weed possession. Who the hell gets arrested for weed? Especially if you’re white.
Do we need to discuss the hair that would make even cousins having sex in Alabama call this guy white trash? He also tries to act black on the show, but you can tell he probably hasn’t had much interaction with actual black people. Punching him in the face would honestly just be therapeutic for anyone. It might do more good for the world than all anti-depressants combined.
3. Kyle Cooke (Summer House)
Another one who has had to succumb to “instant wanting to punch” face. The few times I’ve seen this show, his personality matches his douchebag face. He’s like an ugly Ken doll with the same hollow plastic brain to match. If you’re not familiar with the show, I envy you. It’s about rich millenial assholes who spend their weekends giving Long Islanders a shitty name by partying in Montauk and acting like rules of life don’t apply to them. I’ve only seen a little to know this doe eyed moron can barely form two sentences, likes to drink himself somehow stupider than he is on a normal basis, and really needs to get knocked out, preferably for a long enough period of time that he misses filming and the show gets canceled. Or at least he gets fired. His day job (they all have “real” jobs on the show, and that’s how they afford to party in LI every weekend… not because Bravo pays in advance to rent the house for them) apparently is partnering with a Brad/Chad style shorts company, and creating apps for the wealthy. So basically everything he does oozes jackass. Also, judging by the little I’ve seen, he probably literally oozes some sort of discharge from numerous STDs.
2. Thomas Revenel (Southern Charm)
He’s actually just an awful person, which I’ve known since the moment I watched this show. He just has an aura of asshole from the second he opens his mouth, plus he’s apparently a polo player, which I guess is kinda big down there, but up here in NY it just makes me automatically assume your family definitely owned slaves and you look down upon anyone who works for a living in some sort of profession that isn’t 90% schmoozing at cocktail parties. Not to mention, he just sorta looks like a monster. Not like a hide under the bed monster, but the face of those giants with the disease that makes them grow to abnormal heights. Like the guy from Big Fish
They could be brothers for all I know. Thomas also is a politician (he was SC treasurer) so that makes him a douche right off the bat, then he got arrested for coke charges. Anyone doing enough coke out there to get arrested is trying to act like the 80’s never ended and they haven’t peaked yet (he did). He was again arrested for raping both some woman he met on some dating app and apparently his kids nanny. So yeah, an over-privileged politician who likes to play in the snow (not that kind of snow) while raping multiple women definitely deserves to get his monster like jaw smashed. Hopefully he’ll get smashed from the other end in prison.
1. James Kennedy (Vanderpump Rules)
This guy hits all the right notes to be considered the top douchebag on this list. First, he’s British. Immediately a smarmy asshole. Next, he used to be a model? So he takes his shirt off whenever he can, and to top it off, he’s a DJ. A button on the iPod pusher who calls himself the white Kanye. Kanye is one of the biggest assholes out there, so equating yourself to him isn’t winning you any points. The amount of times he’s cried on the show just because the wind blew is embarrassing, he can’t handle his alcohol, he cheats on his girlfriends that he’s lucky enough to have since they don’t realize he’s really gay, oh plus he actually had sex with his gay friend and lied about it on TV to his face, pretty sure putting the dude on suicide watch. He insults everyone, man or woman, because he knows if he doesn’t do it first, they’ll tell him the truth about how awful of a twerpy little human being he is. Look at it this way, the creature from the South Carolina lagoon who likes to rape women isn’t as punchable as this guy. If you’re worse than a rapist, you’re probably a pretty terrible person. Watch the show for ten seconds and you’ll see why. Pretty sure he was a stand in for Dumbo in the new movie with those ears of his. He’s like an awful James Bond villain, like one who would be written out of the script because he’s not even worth James Bonds time.
That’s the list, if any of these guys were ever in a position where you could hit them with no repercussions, I’d say go for it. Is there an obvious sense of jealousy on my end over their fame and fortune with lack of talent? You betcha. Does it make me want to punch any of them any less? Hard no.