Uber-Eats and the scam of the century

We’ve all been there. A night out filled with heavy drinking followed by getting home and craving some sort of greasy food from the delivery gods to cap off the night. With the creation of things like grub-hub and uber-eats, it’s become even simpler to do. Except the people we once thought of as superheroes, delivering our late night munchies to our door when we can barely get off the couch without the room spinning, have started to become the villains.

A scam of the likes we’ve never seen before is slowly being unleashed on us. Instead of delivering the food we ordered, devious drivers hired by outside companies have been keeping the food for themselves, on our dime. This isn’t to say that all food delivery drivers are these bad, soul stealing, sewer dwelling, maniacal bastards who don’t live by the normal standards of society. But if people can decide they hate all police based the actions of a very minimal few, than I don’t see why the same can’t be done to delivery drivers.

The socks Colin Kaepernick wears during his current job, which is probably as a delivery driver

The other night, I had gotten home around midnight, and drunken me was craving some greasy concoction that couldn’t be put together in my own kitchen. So I did what has become common in my place, I fired up uber-eats and chose the greasiest spot I could that was still open. Few clicks of the button from my already greasy fingers, and onto my couch I went, already killing any possible hangover with some Gatorade. About an hour later, my phone goes off. The cavalry has arrived, and with it my future dump the next day. Except it wasn’t a notification that my food came, instead it was

“Your courier called, but couldn’t reach you. Your order has been cancelled without a refund.”

Surely this can’t be right! I’d had my phone next to me the whole time, not a single vibration. Maybe I didn’t hear it, so a quick check of the recent calls. Nothing… OK but then how did this man call me? Did he just holler from his car, literally calling out my name?

Unsure how to proceed, as I was still hungry, and out the money I spent, I contacted customer support stating that the food never came and nobody called. A Response back

I’ve reviewed this order and we’ve been unable to provide a refund for this order. This is because the delivery partner made every reasonable attempt to contact you directly once they arrived at your specified address.

Every reasonable attempt to contact me? Perhaps he tried to knock on the door, since that would be another possible resource he could use to get the attention of the man who he had come to deliver the solid nectar of drunk gods to. I know we live in a modern world with a vast array of ever growing technology, but this driver must have heard tales of his elder delivery drivers, having to get out of their car and knock on strangers doors back in their day. Though, I have two dogs who lose their mind at the sound of their own tails accidentally hitting the wall, if someone had knocked, they’d have let me know.

So another message to support was sent, this time saying absolutely no calls had been made, the food never came and I was never informed. I receive a notification from Uber-Eats.

We sent you a support message

So I open the app to read what would presumably be their apology with a refund. Nope, they didn’t even respond. They simply marked my intial message as “resolved”. So they sent me a message, though with their actions, not their words.

Well, being the poor, hungry lard I am, I opened another complaint about the order. This time stating I never got a call when the food came, and that I would like to know how they’re proving they made sure the driver contacted me, as they’d claimed they’d looked into. Another message came back, stating the same thing, that the driver had tried and could not reach me, with the added slap in the face “make sure your number is correct in the app”. Silly me, I thought maybe they were right, and I had possibly entered the home number from my parents house that I hadn’t used in 20 years but it’s literally the only other number ever associated with being my main number.

Low and behold… nope. The number was correct. So again, to customer support I went. Within minutes, the same message was sent back, ignoring my cries that I had never been contacted, simply stating that the driver DID contact me. They also said to check with the restaurant and make sure that the delivery was sent and correct, so the next day, I did just that. The response at the restaurant- “uber-eats drivers do that all the time that late at night. They can cancel orders and say they called you, then they keep the food themselves”

This can’t be! There must be some intense vetting process at uber HQ that requires extensive background checks and rigorous exams that must be passed to qualify to be a driver. I checked the name of the guy who supposedly tried to contact me- Demario, whose picture is of his face with two huge diamond earrings standing in front of his large afro. This man would surely not participate in some dastardly scheme to rip off the late night drunks and high crowd looking to fulfill their munchies urges. Not my Demario! This can’t be true!

So I send yet another message to uber eats, telling them that I called the restaurant, and was informed the food had been sent out but that this scam apparently is a real thing. Instantly, I get a rehashed message stating no refund will be given because the driver tried to contact me through apparently every form of contact, including, but not limited to, sending me a postmarked letter and momentarily cutting off my electricity just to get me to go outside and check the circuit box, but I apparently didn’t budge.

Well once again, I wasn’t going to budge. Putting my best middle class soccer mom wig on, I threw out every name I could about who I would contact. Consumer Affairs, Better Business Bureau, the FBI, CIA, Santa Clause, NASA, you name it. I get another message, again not a verbal one, but simply them closing the case saying “resolved”. Now I’m about to lose my shit.

I simultaneously sent 3 complaints at once this morning, finally wearing them down apparently because I got this message

I’m glad to let you know I’ve refunded the entire order.

Was it about the money? Well yes, I’m broke. But mainly, it was about principle. Some of which uber-eats apparently doesn’t have unless you have enough stamina and free time to fire out repeat complaints until they’re tired of hearing from you. What scares me the most though, is how deep is this delivery scam that has been unleashed on the world? People want to complain about politics, building walls, aborting babies 3 years after they’ve been born, not being allowed to own more guns than an entire small nation would need and whatever else they can, while this, the real issue, is going undetected right in front of our faces. Until the next Demario pretends to call President Trump before making off like a bandit with his McDonalds, this unfortunately is a fight we may not win.

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