Let he who is without gas cast the first fart

Max Kellerman is an idiot making a living in a profession with other idiots where everyone is fighting to yell their idiotic opinions loudest. At this point in the game, neither he, Stephen A. Smith nor Skip Bayless actually believe a word that they say. They’ve all made millions pretty much farting out their mouths on TV with stupid takes on sports that have no actual reasoning except “this will get people talking”. Except now we have Max Kellerman apparently farting out both ends on live TV, and trying to cover it up with some coughs that are about as real as his belief in half the shit he says.

During First Take, a show where Max and Stephen A. Smith debate who can be a bigger dumbass that morning, someone let an alleged fart slip while trying to cough over it. This has been talked about all day, with people shaming Max Kellerman as the fart culprit, without evidence he even smelt it to have in fact dealt it. I hear the cough in the video, but can’t make out the fart for sure. Regardless, during the entire clip, people have claimed to hear belly grumblings from Max that he more than once attempted to cover up. Looking past the fact that the sounds of his stomach growling hold as much value as the shit he actually says, the bigger issue here is the fart shaming Max has had to endure.

I clearly don’t have much respect for the talking lawn gnome with Ryan Howard eyes

Which should say enough about the fact I disagree in this instance of mocking him. Not a day goes by, NOT A DAY, where I don’t have to deal with incessant stomach growling that sounds like a bear being woken up by a baby crying in a small cave with extremely poor acoustics to manage the combined sound of the two. It’s horrible. It creeps up at the most inopportune moments and I can almost hear my lower abdomen slightly giggle as I try to shift my body to spread the gas around and avoid having to explain to my coworkers that I must be hungry. It’s pretty much a given that if I’m meeting one-on-one with someone alone in my office, with nothing but our voices to fill the room, I will inevitably have a volcanic eruption of gas explode within that is enough to shake a glass of water like in that scene from Jurassic Park.

Except it’s not a dinosaur approaching, it’s a fart that carries the weight from every football that was ever deflated inside the depths of Gillette Stadium before a Patriots game. “I must be hungry” is code for “I just farted internally” and the people I work with know it. There’s no dying whale under my desk, it’s simply a scientific combination of gasses uniting inside my stomach to form a mating call to my other internal organs. And they of course always seem to want to mate during a moment of silence in my life so that everyone within a 20 foot radius will be able to hear.

As embarrassing as this can be, I am not alone in my undesired moments of misplaced flatulence trying to escape my body like Houdini from shackles. I’ll often hear mini-rumblings come from coworkers as their eyes nervously shift to see if anyone noticed. “You must be hungry” I tell them if I make the mistake of locking eyes, even momentarily, just to help ease their embarrassment. AKA yes Alice, I heard you fart inside, and being hungry is the universal code for that. This is nothing to be ashamed of, just as everybody poops, everybody farts. We’re all walking flesh balloons filled with disgusting gasses that would make Oscar the Grouch vomit at the smell. It’s human nature to have to fart, and it’s normal to try to hold it in when in the presence of other flesh balloons. Just as all balloons don’t float forever, the gasses inside us will find their way out as we deflate our lives away.

Surely those who are mocking Max woke up this morning and let loose a combination of solids, liquids and of course, gasses. Unless they aren’t human and have no bodily functions of their own, they shouldn’t be throwing rocks at the gas house (see what I did there?). Everyone has had a moment where they weren’t sure they’d be able to hold it in, and perhaps had no choice but to let it out. Hell, some people let it out just hoping it will be a silent whisper into the atmosphere that you can only hear through your nose.

Even if the little lawn jockey did fart today, we need to look past it, he’ll do and say plenty of other stupid shit, why not wait until then (which will most likely be on the show tomorrow) to make fun of the guy. Obviously farts in any capacity are funny, I’ve gone 30 years knowing that, so laugh at his little body trying hard and failing to keep it’s child like whimper of gas inside, and then let’s move on. Chances are, you’ll have your own farts to laugh about tonight.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.