I’d like to buy a Dodge Caravan, porfavor.

I’ve had my truck since 2010, it’s barely getting by, but it does the job. Of course, I know it won’t last forever, so I have had to face the harsh reality that I may soon have to get a new box of wheels to get me from point A to B. Being the easy going guy I am, I’ve never cared much about cars, luxury is pretty much a foreign word to me. Which leads me to my main point, foreigners.

This isn’t about building that damn wall, personally I don’t give a shit one way or the other if it ever happens. I have no plans to go to Mexico, which means I have no plans to come back from Mexico, so the thing doesn’t have much impact on me. If I do go there, it’ll be in a plane hovering above this wall, so at most I’ll see it from above- assuming I’m not knocked out on the plane from Xanax and the 12 beers I spent a small fortune on in the airport before boarding and while in the air.

This has more to do with wondering if the people of Mexico are actually the smartest people alive. At first glace, you may think they’re not all that bright, they know getting into the country has it’s downsides and yet it doesn’t deter them. Like having your children snatched from you and being thrown in a left over Japanese concentration camp from the 40’s, they know this is a very high possibility if they sneak in. Could this be their plan though? Are the parents of Mexico sick of their kids, and blindly leading them, like a pack of suicidal lemmings off a cliff to the border wall for crazy ol’ Uncle Sam to grab em at the first chance he gets and break up el familia for bueno? (The family for good).

Are these not actually just people seeking shelter and refuge, but rather fed up parents who have found a loophole to abandoning their family without the term “deadbeat padre” forever associated with them?

If it is, it’s genius, and I wouldn’t be surprised if Americans begin to look for some sort of reverse border wall. Maybe one where parents just bring their children on a “trip” to Mexico that they know will inevitably end with the youngest generation of American kids being yanked away from their iPhones, allowances bigger than my yearly salary, and their pampered lives of being coddled they live, to be placed who knows where while Mommy and Daddy resume the life of fun they lived prior to having responsibility for another human come burrowing at them faster than a pack of angry Mexicans into Arizona looking to rape all the women and dish out all the drugs, or whatever it is Trump says they do.

In regards to my truck, I’d like to know how one can acquire a Caravan I keep hearing so much about. Does Dodge make them? Do they have WiFi and ample cup holders? Leather seats or fabric? Blu-tooth or will I need an AUX cord? They apparently get people from the furthest point south in Mexico, (everything south of Texas is Mexico, right?) all the way to the U.S. of A, so they should hold up well on my 15 minute commute to work every morning. I assumed they come in automatic, but now that I’ve realized how smart the Mexicans really are, I worry they may be manual. If I have to learn stick, it’s obviously a deal breaker. Since they’re driving whole families to America, I figure they’re not much different than those mini-vans every family has had at some point or another, either in Gray or Brown. Are Caravans just Mexican Mini-Vans?

I don’t care about sleek designs or eye pleasing aesthetics, so I can get over driving a glorified rape van with bigger windows around town. Hopefully they hold up well in the NY winter driving conditions, even though I’ve already learned that the majority of people in NY still don’t know how to drive in the snow. Actually, I doubt it snows in Mexico, so those suckers probably need more road tests in hazardous conditions before they can hit the open market.

Also, to remind people how smart Mexican people are- tacos. Everyone loves tacos, and I assume they’re as good, if not better, than what I get at Taco-Bell when made by authentic Mexicans. For them to be able to have mastered the art of creating delicious tacos, it takes talent. So I don’t see why we’re so hell-bent on not letting them in. Cars are expensive as shit, so the more Caravans to go around the better, and add tacos for all and the great people of the Southern border seem like they’d flourish in America. If the wall does get built, I would hope there is room for a Taco window on the American side that you can walk up to and order from.

People make it a priority to stop at South Of the Border when traveling from north to south or vice versa when on vacation with the family. If we spend hours counting down the billboards advertising it on the highway until we finally reach it, why are we trying to keep the larger, more detail oriented version of it from coming into our country with a wall? If they’re coming over here with tacos and cheap fireworks, I say open the gates and let ’em set up shop. Maybe write down their names and some details about themselves so we can keep track of them, kinda like a Southern Ellis Island. Ellis Hacienda, we can call it. And if they slip us an extra 20 pesos, we can take their kids and throw them in a cage up North at some foster care agency, since that’s clearly what they’re really coming here for anyway.

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